Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Internet List: My Top 10 Favorite Movies

Seriously, here are my ten favorite films...

1. All Walter Hill films, except a couple of them. And maybe except a couple I haven't seen.
2. The Robert Altman films people talk about, except for Nashville, which I haven't seen.
3. Buster Keaton. I see clips from all the time and find his work is remarkable.
4. Leonard Part 6. Hahaha, I know. Seriously though, this is an awesome movie.
5. Fuck Star Wars. I'm all about Spaceballs.
6. That one Renoir Truffaut movie. I forget it's name, but it almost had a sex scene?
7. God, fucking Woody Allen movies. Just all of them.
8. All Part 2 Comic Book Films.
9. Futurama
10. I think the Coen Brothers are overrated.

Sam Witwicky Reviews FRIGHT NIGHT

Yo, me and my best friend, B (that shit's short for Bee-Umble Beezledabub), went to a $1 drive in and saw some shit called Fright Night and it was fucking dope, son.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Many Faces of Jason Bateman

Jason Bateman is a guy who acts unflappable no matter what weird shit he hears. He might shoot back with a little jab at your idiocy, but it will be couched with such subtlety that you'll never know it. In real life you'd know it. If you were in a movie, you wouldn't know it though. If you were a character in a movie. If you and Jason Bateman were making a documentary, I think you'd know it. A documentary is a different kind of movie where stuff is real.

Jason Bateman is the Patrick Bateman of Batemans. In real life. Patrick Bateman is the Patrick Bateman of fiction.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Internet List: The Greatest Movie Romances of All Time

Almost every film is a love story of some sort. Whether romance is the film's main thrust or just something that rewards a hero for fighting aliens so hard, 99% of the films we see end with someone kissing some other person, and we love it.

But romance is often more complicated than that. A kiss can mean anything. Real feelings of affection are much harder to bring to the screen than people realize. Here is a list of movie romances that really make the grade.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Why SONS OF ANARCHY is Overrated

So I'm watching this show called Sons of Anarchy because really smart people on the Internet talk all the time about how good it is. But it's not good. It's really stupid show about stupid people being stupid.

A Rebuttal to FILM CRITIC HULK's Essay on Post-Modernism

For those of you who don't know, there's a really great writer out there named FILM CRITIC HULK. Recently, FILM CRITIC HULK wrote an essay on post-modernism and whether or not it even exists. You should go read it

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Many Faces of Jason Statham

Of all today's action heroes, none fill the role as effortlessly as one Mr. Jason Statham. Statham came to us in the age of Action Pussies thanks to his steely stare and intelligent charisma, yet he remains with us in our current Musclebound Rebound Age because he's fully capable of kicking ass with boobs that are big but don't jiggle.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Internet List: My Favorite Things About GAME OF THRONES

Prompted by the truly great HBO series, I decided to read all the Game of Throne books. And boy oh boy, do I love them. Here are my ten favorite things about the series so far...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Steven Seagal & Friends Pay Tribute to Michael Jackson

Steven Seagal may have put on a few pounds in the last couple years, but his love for Michael Jackson forever remains a core aspect of his mystique. Recently, he and some of his Bollywood pals wrote and recorded this tribute to a fallen hero.

With that, I'll just step aside and let Steven say what we all feel in our heart, but can never quite articulate...

Michele Bachmannn Reviews THE HELP

The Help is a movie about how if you're nice to your maids, they may start a revolution for independence. So don't do that.

A Public Service Announcement from William Bludworth

Dear Folks,

People like to think it's easy being a mortician because all you have to do is fill dead
bodies with anti-decomposing goo. Yeah, that's fair. I couldn't do a job where I had to
listen to people talk all day. But what people don't know is that morticians are savvy to
all of Death's bullshit, and Death's an asshole.

Internet List: 10 Greatest Action Films of All Time!!!

I love movies, but I especially love action films. Here is my list of the best action films ever made. A word of warning: this list is by no means set in stone. My feelings change from day to day.

Trailer Tracks with Sam Strange: MACHINE GUN PREACHER

Movie commercials offer us a great service; they not only show us which upcoming movies look good, but also which upcoming movies look like Hitler Turds (turds that waste no energy being anywhere except directly beneath your nose). In honor of this profound art, which I partake in from time to time, I give you TRAILER TRACKS, a weekly examination of upcoming movie commercials: what they say, what they don't say, and what they say accidentally about the product being sold to you, the excited chump.